Automotive Would You Reasonably: Screaming Abraham Lincoln Or Engine/Soul Swap?

Automotive Would You Reasonably: Screaming Abraham Lincoln Or Engine/Soul Swap?

It has come to my consideration, through screams from the closet the place my intern has trapped himself for over every week, that I haven’t performed an Automotive Would You Reasonably since April. Holy crap! That’s depressing – all of you should be simply determined for Would You Reasonably content material, most likely to the purpose of seizing strangers’ arms in grocery shops and begging them to present you tough and wildly improbably fictional automotive eventualities to choose from. I get that. Nicely, you’ll be able to unhand these poor folks, as a result of I’m right here to assist. So, lotion these brains up good and prepare for some satisfying conundrums!

Automotive Would You Reasonably: Screaming Abraham Lincoln Or Engine/Soul Swap?SCENARIO ONE: Terrified Lincoln

You’re listening to some information in your telephone as you’re making a salad for dinner. Within the course of, as you’re chopping leeks and venison and balsa wooden and cucumbers in your salad, you hear a narrative about how Microsoft, of all entities, has created quantum quasiparticles known as Majorana zero which can have purposes for quantum computing. Because the report is being broadcast, the elements you occur to be mixing in your salad are reacting with the atoms and quarks within the surrounding ambiance and are being organized by the very point out of those quantum quasiparticles through the EM radiation of the information stream to your telephone, such that your salad is inflicting the Majorana zero quasiparticles to be generated, and people quasiparticles are getting quantum-entangled with a sister-salad throughout the multiverse, this one current in an alternate universe’s 12 months 1863, and that entangled time-salad is being offered to President Abraham Lincoln.

The Majorana zero particles prepare themselves right into a extremely organized matrix able to thought and motion; as a result of your salad supplied the subatomic framework wanted for these occasions to transpire, the Majorana zero matrix decides you’re its creator, and as such should be rewarded. Silently scanning your synapses, the Majorana zero matrix discovers your love for vehicles, and grants you the power to manifest into actuality any automotive you’d like, as an actual, drivable automotive!

Oh, there may be one catch, although. As a result of the Salad of Creation is quantum-entangled with the 1863 time-salad, each automotive you manifest can have an occasion of Abraham Lincoln in it, too. These Lincolns are just about similar to our universe’s Abraham Lincoln, besides this one has reddish hair. Additionally, this Lincoln is much more susceptible to panic than our Lincoln was, and being blipped into existence over 160 years after their very own time goes to be very traumatic for this Lincoln.

So, let’s say you blip a Lamborghini Miura into existence: within the passenger seat of that beautiful automotive will likely be Abraham Lincoln, deeply confused and frightened, shaking like an opposed-three engine and shrieking and screaming on the high of his lungs. You’ll get within the automotive to drive it, and as quickly as you stomp that throttle Lincoln will seize you by the shoulders and scream DEAR GOD WHAT IS THIS MADNESS and whenever you drive into town and move the primary animated LCD billboard Lincoln will whip his head round and yell NO NO BEWITCHED PAINTING AHHHGGH WHY after which a aircraft will move overhead and also you’ll really feel the recent spray of uncontrolled urination strike your leg as you flip to a writhing Lincoln gesturing wildly on the sky and bellowing EEEEAAAGUUUUUGGHHH IRON BIRD!

He’s going to be completely apoplectic, nonstop. There’s no calming him down. He’s freaked.

Oh, and due to the complicated physics of the quantum realm, you’ll be able to’t simply drop outdated Abe off wherever. He has to stick with the automotive for it to proceed current. You’ll be able to gag him and tie him up, if you’d like, however it’s nonetheless our sixteenth president, and also you’ll have to elucidate why he’s all tied up and crying in your trunk to somebody sooner or later, most likely.

You’ll be able to blip the vehicles out of existence at will, and that can take Lincoln out, too, so at the least you gained’t have to go away him freaking his shit out in some parking deck when you have dinner. However as quickly as you summon a brand new automotive, you’re getting a brand new Lincoln, in the identical state of shock and panic.

Wyr Swaps

SCENARIO TWO: Swap Souls To Swap Engines

Everybody likes engine swaps, proper? In fact you do! It’s a good way to dramatically change the character of a given automotive, typically in a pleasant, unholy manner! However, doing an engine swap is a colossal quantity of labor, arguably one of many hardest jobs you’ll be able to undertake as somebody who likes to wrench on vehicles. Your thoughts can consider all types of thrilling engine swaps, however your accessible time and ability and assets simply aren’t as much as the problem. No less than, till you met that demon at your guide membership.

Sure, a demon, a literal demon, at your guide membership. The demon, named Clamazrael, hasn’t even began to learn Infinite Jest and possibly by no means will. He got here there for souls, however simply hasn’t been feeling it. He has taken a liking to you, although, and has seemed into your soul and famous all your darkish wishes, a stunning variety of which revolve round vehicles. He needs souls, badly, however realizes that you could be be key to serving to him up his soul depend, due to an attention-grabbing loophole within the technicalities of Hell’s soul-acquisition system.

You see, demons that take souls get their counters incremented when a soul is recorded leaving a physique. Ordinarily, the soul can be positioned into storage within the given demon’s fanny pack, however the tally will get incremented even when the soul is transferred into one other being. Now, it’s technically attainable for this demon to take, say, you, a canine, and a ferret, and switch your soul into the canine, the canine’s soul into the ferret, and the ferret’s soul into you. As soon as a full loop of souls is made, you will get your soul again into you, and the middleman beings, canine and ferret, will find yourself with one another’s souls. However, who cares, you’ve your soul, and the demon has their tally of souls elevated! Win-win!

For this to work, although, the human has to willingly agree to surrender their soul. So, to make this palatable for you, Clamazrael has agreed that when you convey him any two vehicles, he’ll use demonic magic to swap the 2 engines, completely and cleanly, from one automotive to a different, so long as you’re keen to endure the soul-loop process. So, for every time, you want to convey Clamazrael two vehicles and two animals of some type. In the long run, the demon can have one other soul taken on the ledger, and also you’ll have two engine-swapped vehicles and two animals with swapped souls.

You can promote the vehicles or simply generate profits from doing unusual engine swaps for purchasers! Need an MGA with a contemporary Coyote V8? Straightforward! In fact, you’ll even have to determine what to do with a 2015 Ford Mustang that now has a 1500cc four-banger making 60 hp, however I guess somebody will need it for the novelty worth. Particularly when you throw in a cat that acts like a canine!


So, what’s it going to be? Any automotive you need, however it has a freaking-out Abraham Lincoln shitting his pants in it, or with the ability to swap any vehicles’ engines, however you’ll have loads of bizarre animals to take care of, and also you’ll must belief a demon. Time to decide on!




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